Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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