i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
