SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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