You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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