the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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