Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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