Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
