My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
