so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need a beard to bite.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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