So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
