Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
