i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
