I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize