his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Found your dick twin last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
