we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
