I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
