I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
