I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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