is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
