ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
