Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
