We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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