i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
