I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
