This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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