The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
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By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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