Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
