Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
