Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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