his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
