I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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