I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
