im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
