sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This baby is an asshole
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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