Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
