She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
