Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
