so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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