someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
