Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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