guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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