I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you didnt know i had herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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