I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
