She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
