Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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