No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
