How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
