My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.