NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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