I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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