Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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