Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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