sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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