There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
