I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
