Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hippo gnu deer
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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