My hand turned me down
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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